Hopeful CPTSD Recovery: Saying No with Confidence

[Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is a stress-related mental disorder generally occurring in response to complex traumas, i.e., commonly prolonged or repetitive exposures to a series of traumatic events] ~ from Wikipedia

1. An Introduction to C Ptsd Recovery

The journey of recovery after being diagnosed with CPTSD involves, among many other things, gradually becoming skillful at Saying No with Confidence.  The meaning behind the tail end of that statement ‘with confidence’ is what’s crucial so we don’t become emotionally dysregulated each time we honor our needs by saying ‘No’ to something or someone.

As someone who has been walking this path for the last 8 years, C Ptsd recovery can be a transformative process, but it requires resilience, self-compassion, and a commitment to empowered choices. All of this while learning to be gentle with yourself, and the pace of your recovery.

2. Being Gentle: The Messy Journey of Healing CPtsd

A CPTSD diagnosis is complex, and recovery tends to be messy, with several “forward then backward then forward cycles of healing“. 

For example, during one year of steady recovery, I  became a self-taught acrylic painter and sold ninety percent of my work. 

The following year I experienced a traumatic event that left me feeling incapacitated, and it took 6 months to begin painting again. Then. within another 5 months, I had a ‘relapse’ and couldn’t paint anymore.

These cycles repeated continuously for my first 6 years of healing until I gained a deeper understanding of my mental, emotional, and relationship triggers.

3. CPTSD Diagnosis Timeline: Understanding the Delayed Path

A diagnosis of CPTSD for many of us is on what I call a ‘delayed timeline’. Let me briefly share my personal experience to set the tone. 

My journey began with a nervous breakdown in 2016 that led me to need psychiatric care.

I was initially diagnosed with Clinical Depression and General Anxiety Disorder, but it wasn’t until 5 years later that I was diagnosed with CPTSD. 

That final diagnosis was both scary and a relief.  It was scary because I had only known of PTSD being related to soldiers returning from war. But it was also a relief because I then understood the see-saw nature of my recovery after the initial nervous breakdown.

4. Crucial Role of Professional Help

Entering the realm healing from childhood trauma disorder recovery often necessitates the guidance of a professional therapist. Their insights and support help to create a solid foundation for healing. My first therapy session after the official diagnosis felt like a pivotal moment.

I had been with the same therapist for a year, and the sessions provided a safe space. However, once I was diagnosed with CPTSD (by an experienced psychiatrist) our therapy sessions had more of a ‘blueprint’ to confront the challenges specifically related to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

For example, that’s when my therapist helped me to realize it was essential to prioritize learning the Skill of Saying No with Confidence because it was leading to repeated experiences of being emotionally dysregulated.

5. Navigate the Challenge of Creating Boundaries

The label ‘people pleaser’ has, in recent years, become a passive insult of personality traits nobody wants to own. Because it’s now seen as such a weakness most of us refuse to admit to ourselves when that behavior is prevalent in our lives.

However, as the saying goes, ‘you cannot heal what you lie to yourself about’… I know that’s in no way an exact quote (just adding a little humor).

I had never thought of myself as a people pleaser, just as a ‘good friend who enjoyed being there for my friends and making soulful connections’. 

However, during the journey of recovery through professional therapy, I discovered that I was something more self-destructive than a people pleaser, I was a ‘rescuer who needed rescuing’.

6. Unmask the Rescuer ‘Within’: A Personal Revelation

By age 48, the rescuer in me had created a life in which 18 people thought of me as their closest, most trustworthy confidant and friend. I was shocked when I came to that realization.

The rescuer in me had not built the skill of saying no with confidence, and so I kept putting other people’s needs before mine because I needed them to ‘need me’.

As I developed a deeper grasp of how many of us with childhood post-traumatic stress disorder navigate life, I came to recognize that creating boundaries, and consequently saying no often seemed an insurmountable challenge. 

7. A Transformative Skill: Saying No with Confidence

Building the skill of saying ‘No with Confidence’ can be a long, sometimes winding journey for those of us healing from C Ptsd, but there is hope, and there is help!

During the last few years, I’ve been able to lower the number from 18 to 6 people who consider me to be ‘one of’, instead of ‘their number one closest, most trusted friends’.

8. Tips and Resources for Building the Skill of Confidently Saying No

• Gain a deeper understanding of CPTSD & its Impact: I highly recommend starting with these 2 YouTube channels (CPTSD expert) CRAPPY CHILDHOOD FAIRY and (Psychiatrist) Dr. TRACEY MARKS. Their content is of a high quality. There is a range of behaviors common to those of us dealing with complex childhood trauma, and it can help to know ‘you’re not alone’. I learned a ton about emotional dysregulation, its impact, and ways to re-regulate.

• Journaling with Purpose: Journaling is recommended & can be very therapeutic on the road to healing. However, journaling every day was never a realistic goal for me. I later realized that Journaling without a purpose, or pre-determined reason could easily be dysregulating because of a tendency to go too deep into a trauma memory. [This is not the same for everyone with CPtsd, journaling every day is quite helpful for some] I found it most helpful to journal about how each relationship in my life left me feeling after conversations and other interactions. I was specifically trying to figure out my level of anxiety, both during and after my interactions. This is a practice I continue to do.

• Getting better at handling each situation organically: The road to becoming skillful at upholding boundaries and Saying No with Confidence needs a great deal of self-forgiveness and self-soothing when mistakes are made. Our self-talk is key. As this skill increases, it becomes easier to notice when an interaction or conversation begins to generate feelings of anxiety (mild or extreme), and we become better at ending the interaction, without guilt and as soon as possible.

• Prioritize Rewarding Yourself: This is where Self-Compassion takes center stage, and not comparing yourself to others, in any way, becomes more important. You are the only one who knows what qualifies as a ‘win’. Whenever you honor a boundary or say No to protect your peace of mind, celebrate yourself! For example, my celebrations ranged from watching a favorite series to getting a massage.

9. Staying Hopeful: A Marathon of Self-Discovery

It’s a marathon, not a sprint, where practice ‘makes better’, not perfect. The combination of practicing saying ‘No’ and celebrating each time you honor a boundary you’ve set within yourself, can give you the motivation to keep trying.

As you begin to notice the connection between honoring your ‘No’ and experiencing more days of being emotionally regulated, your confidence grows.

One word of caution, don’t strive for perfection with the art of saying no, always practice compassionate self-talk that acknowledges your misses but reinforces your wins as you build this beautiful life skill.

10. Triumph in Every Step Forward

In summing up our exploration of one aspect of childhood post-traumatic stress disorder recovery, as a patient myself, remember that every step forward is a triumph. 

By being gentle with the pace of your CPTSD recovery, understanding the importance and benefit of professional help, knowing that creating boundaries may be challenging with this illness, prioritizing building the skill and art of saying no, cultivating self-compassion and celebrating small victories, you’re crafting a life of empowerment and genuine well-being.

May we all find our brand of peace within the challenges.

Melanie Smith

Hey there! I’m Melanie ‘Oyadina,’ creating a safe space for empathic women through my blog, Simply Soulish. Join me on a journey of self-compassion, exploring art, and creating cozy havens at home. Let’s embrace authenticity and prioritize well-being together.

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